behind the veil

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this post has been ruminating in my head for a while and i haven’t been sure whether i should share it or not…whether anyone would care or not.  in an effort to lift the veil on my life what you’re about to read is a) likely to be a bit of a jumbled mess and b) painfully honest but it’s where i currently am and i’m putting it out there - if you decide to continue reading you’ve been warned.  i’m issuing my apologies up front for the whining and complaining and then i’m letting it rip. 

i’ve not been in a great mental space the last many months.  we’ve experienced so much loss over the last year and it has had such a profound effect on me that i feel like there’s a film over me and i’m running at some percentage of deficiency.  in social settings i often feel out of sync with other people and like i’m only experiencing half of what’s going on…like i’m out of step with what’s going on around me. it’s like i’m fine but not fine depending on what definition you use. 

sometimes when i look around i feel like i have a new family (and in some respects i do) and it’s a lot more grumbly than it once was.  there’s a lot of new energy and not everyone is jibing with everyone else at the current moment.

since august coupled with the feelings of grief has been the loss of my “best friend.” shortly after losing reilley it became painfully clear that this is the first time i’ve been “on my own” since i was a small child.  when i was 8-years-old our dog had puppies (don’t judge  - it was the seventies).  i got to stay up all night to witness the birth and it was literally a life changing moment for me.  one of the puppies (tannhauser*) caught my fancy pretty immediately and he became my best friend for the next 13 years.  when i was 19, toward the end of tannhauser’s life, i had the amazing fortune of adopting kody and for the next 15 years he was my constant companion.  along the way murray came into my life and stayed there for 15 years and then lastly reilley for 8 years.  this is the first time since i was 8 that i haven’t had that connection in my life.  i’ve thought a lot about it and realized it has nothing to do with love…i love all our dogs the same (for the most part) but it’s more about a connection between our souls speak the exact same language and we just jibe.  i’ve learned that without this connection i don’t feel like me…truth be told i feel a bit lost (or a lot lost).  that feeling has certainly been muddied by the amount of grief in the last year but since losing reilley i feel the change in me quite profoundly. 

all of these goings-on are really throwing me for a loop and i’m struggling with getting right.  i keep hoping “that” dog will just appear in my life.  i sporadically look on petfinder trying to feel some connection…and then quickly dislike myself because there’s so many dogs that need homes and i’m just completely selfishly buzzing past them.  i feel a certain amount of desperation because we have one “opening” and if there’s no connection with the next dog in then i blew it and who knows when i’ll be able to try again (and i certainly don’t want any other members of my family leaving).   can you believe what’s going on in my head?!?  i’m not proud of myself and it’s a little hard to be honest but here it is…this is where i am.  i’m sure i’m supposed to be here and maybe i’m supposed to get to a point where i don’t “need” that connection, maybe i’m supposed to be stronger on my own, but dear gravy i just want to stay this little person and i’m gonna be kicking and screaming the whole way through this personal renovation. 

haven’t had enough honesty yet…need a bigger peak into the mess that is my head on dogs?  it’s just flowing out of me now so let’s just delve a bit further…

there’s a dog i became enamored with and was about to put in an application but i’ve stopped myself several times.  what if he’s not “the one?” and then i quickly think “you’re an asshole.”  in the same regard he’s a cute and fluffy puppy and is likely highly adoptable so what kind of jerk am i if i adopt him…he’s not special needs or hard to place.  uuugh…see what i’m dealing with.  this is where i am currently and i’ve got an application sitting here and gotten myself in such a tizzy i have absolutely no idea what to do.  david won’t tell me what to do – he keeps saying “this is your decision…i’ll support whatever you choose” or some jerky thing like that.**  if any of you are nicer than dave you can tell me in the comments what i should do.  

*clearly i was not the one that named tannhauser…what 8-year-old would pick that name.  it probably wasn’t until i was 13 that i could even spell it.

**that is sarcasm lest any of you don’t recognize it

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