i don’t how to write this and at the same time i can’t believe i have to. we let my jack (punklet, butters, pumpkin pie) go last week and i can’t pretend that it hasn’t left me reeling. february was a particularly crappy month both personally and for my family and last week there was a lot going on so i was able to forge ahead on fumes and disassociation. now that life has calmed down a bit i’m having to face life without my jack and i absolutely hate it…zero stars.
i’ve talked about “heart” dogs on here before and i know i’ve been lucky to have a small handful that have fit that bill (although based on the number of dogs we’ve had it seems proportional). it’s not about loving them more or them being good or better dogs or really anything other than our hearts seem to speak the same language and there is an ease and familiarity when being with them. i adore all the dogs we’ve had and have had different relationships with all of them and yet when i think of tannhauser, kody, reilley, murray, raz and jack it feels like a totally different thing (and yet also exactly the same).
that little package came into our life 11 years ago (around age 4) and made his shape in my heart almost immediately. i was struggling from having lost murray earlier in the year and was desperate to find that specific/complex relationship again and somehow that led me to butters. he was not a fan of me at first but to be fair, having come from a chaotic meth house and dropped in this house is not the easiest transition. dave kept saying “he’ll be your best friend” to which i would reply “he’s my best friend but i’m never going to be his best friend.” somehow i eventually broke him down and we were inseparable for the rest of time. our future relationship did not look promising in our first photo together...
butters was in all the ways the very best of a terrier. he was fun and rotten and loving and a little hateful all wrapped up in a fantastically adorable package. he had some medical struggles likely stemming from his time in said meth house but he seemed to be thriving in his old age…until he wasn’t and things went bad fast. these are the things you can’t prepare for.
the one excruciatingly hard lesson i’ve learned from living with a pack of dogs is that there is no way to prepare, no way to make their passing easier, no way to not feel crushingly lonely once they’re gone, regardless of how many bodies are still around you. we had known for quite a while that we were on borrowed time with ella and that made it no easier when we let her go and on the other side there was no warning with jack and that was equally as devastating. at the same time i cannot express how grateful i always am that we are able to let them go with grace and dignity when they’re ready and that we have a vet who allows us to do it in the comfort of our home.
this is all over the place, which is representative of the state of my mind and heart right now. jack was my heart and i’m all at once grateful that he made his way into my life and heartbroken that his physical body is gone. sail on my sweet punklet…your shape will always be imprinted in my heart and i’m forever changed by your presence in my life. I’m going to try to be patient and trust the universe (with the help of my magical butters) will lead my heart to its next connection.
if you’ve ever had a heart dog you understand and, if you’re lucky enough to still have yours beside you tonight, give them some extra love for me.